We caught up with John to get to the bottom of his overwhelming masculinity. When we asked him about the source of his pogonotrophic powers, John immediately struck this imposing figure:
.he then proceeded to divulge that by stock piling on Girl Scout Thin Mints (sent to him by his mother as the ultimate birthday gift ever gifted) and eating them out of season he is able to harness the power of a raw deliciousness and convert it into proteinaceous filaments that burst forth from his facial follicles.
He then proceeded to lapse into deep thought about what he just said and was so satisfied by it that he struck this pose:
When asked if he would ever consider shaving his gorgeous face locks he scowled and said "Actions speak louder than words." He then picked up a gilette Mach 3 razor and screamed at it with such fury that is literally combusted in his hand:
Completely overcome with envy at such a display of power, we politely excused ourselves and asked him to strike one last pose for posterity:
John Robert Haliburton: A giant amongst men
